Improve Your Coat
“Sasha, come here, dear. I need your help. I can’t read this small type. How do they expect to market stuff that’s written so small?”
“We bought you a great magnifying glass, Grammy. You should use it!” “I don’t remember where I put it.” “Geez, you need a full-time helper.” “Just tell me what it says. It’ll take you a minute. Can’t you read things printed on paper any more? Just on your machines?” “Grammy, this is way too small for anyone to see. They obviously don’t want you to read it.”
“Then why would they print it?” “And what is this, anyway? ‘A shiny coat in 28 days?’ This is for dogs, Grammy! You’ve got two cats.” “Sasha, my hair is looking dull.” “Then color it or use highlights. You’ve gone grey and drab. How ’bout this one, instead, for people: ‘Discover brilliant color! Fantastically vibrant.’ ”
“Sash, I need inner beauty. This is something you take into your body, so the beauty comes from within. It’s not a formula you pour on top of your head.” “But it’s for dogs, Grammy.” “I don’t know, Sash. Lots of people say I’m bitchy.” “Look, it says ‘find us at Petsmart, Petco or your local pet specialty store.’ It comes in a bag, with little pellets! It’s dog food, Grammy.” “Probably pretty tasty. Just help me find my magnifying glass. I wanna see the details.” “Where do you usually keep it?” “In a drawer.” “Which drawer?”
“Same one where your Grandpa kept magnifying glasses.” “Which one is that?” “I can’t remember.” “When did you last use it?” “When I couldn’t read something.” “How long ago? This week? This month? This year? This decade? This century?” “Shhh, I’m thinking.” “What was that, Grammy? Did I hear barking?” "Darn it all, I wanted to surprise you. I got a stray dog from the pound, but its coat is kind of scraggly. I thought this would help."
“Grammy, did you discuss this with anyone? Are you up to caring for it?"
“The cats and I talked. They’re not too happy.”
Susanne Braham holds a B.A. in English and comparative literature from Columbia University’s School of General Studies in New York City and an MA in theater education from Emerson College in Boston, MA. Several of her poems have been published in two recent anthologies about widowhood. In addition to other poetry, she has published literary nonfiction and humorous anecdotes; her favorite is online at Clever Magazine (http://www.clevermag.com/essays2/roll.htm). She has worked in Off and Off-Off Broadway theater as an actress, stage manager, and electrician, and was an elementary school librarian for six years. Having edited for Columbia University for more than 17 years, she has recently retired from full-time employment to rest her eyes. Susanne lives with her daughter, young enough to be her granddaughter; they are ruled by two cats.
