The Betty Crocker Affair
"Lucy, I'm home!"
"Don't Lucy me. Ricky Ricardo was a misogynist."
"Sorry…O divine mother of our grown children, I enter your temple to pay homage."
"When are you going to leave me?"
"What?"
"It's inevitable. Women grow older. Men leave them to rot."
"As I recall, till death do us part."
"I thought so until this."
"Brownie mix?"
"Betty Crocker."
"Betty Crocker extra rich deluxe fudge brownie mix, now with Hershey's syrup?"
"Look at Betty."
"Huh?"
"She's been scrapped for a younger, perkier Betty. God forbid she’d age with the rest of us. Buff new Betty is lining supermarket shelves while the old Betty’s been shipped off."
"She looks the same."
"No. Here on the frosting: the real Betty."
"Still, she hardly looks like a 22-year-old husband-stealing kitchen slut."
"It’s pure manipulation. I have whiskers sprouting from my chin; my breasts have migrated south. I can't stop crying; I’m sweating to death. I'm rubbing wild yam cream on my stomach instead of taking horse-piss estrogen. I'm supposed to call myself a crone, but every time I hear the word, I picture crows shitting on trendy cars, and I don’t know what the trendy car is. But, that doesn’t matter. As I crone I’m supposed to cast off all desire for physical trappings…. Today, all I wanted was a damn brownie, and there's Betrayer Betty. No telling who's next."
"Not me. I'd never leave you for her…but I could be tempted by the Pillsbury Doughboy…that white rubber skin; that squeaky voice. Madison Avenue made one sexy package."
"You'd leave me for him?"
"Hmmm…maybe Duncan Hines."
"He’s not even on the box."
"Exactly. He must be ancient with one long eyebrow and acne pox. I could be a trendsetter—leave you for an ugly older man."
"One problem: you aren't gay."
"I'll have to settle for you then."
"What makes you think I want a husband who’d leave me for brownie mix boys?"
"Because I'm going to bake those brownies right now and torch that nasty box. Then, I'll worship at your feet."
"Alright, but I want my brownie a la mode."
Betty Crocker was revamped in 1996, two years before Cathy Warner began creative writing. Since then, Betty hasn’t changed, but Cathy earned an MFA and has had poetry, essays, and short stories published in dozens of literary journals. She writes, blogs, edits, renovates homes, and leads writing workshops in West Puget Sound. www.cathywarner.com
Picture belongs to Betty Crocker.
