Drain Stopper
“So, how was it? Tell all, man.”
“It was good.”
“Good? Something happened. Don’t tell me it’s over already? What did you do? Rachel’s nice. A little on the dippy hippy side for my liking, but she’s really sweet. I’d eat tofu for her. Once. Don’t ruin this. Janelle likes Rachel. We can finally hang out as a four-some again. You’ve had a long dry spell. You over-think everything.”
“Did you two finally sleep together?”
“Shit, man. That’s private.”
“Since when, Randy? Was it great?”
“Have you ever heard of a diaphragm?”
“What? Isn’t that in our chest somewhere?”
“Everything was going great. Really great. We were in her bed, and I was so horny. Man, it’s been awhile. But then she pulls out this damn diaphragm.”
“What’s a diaphragm?”
“It’s some weird ass birth control.”
“What the fuck is it?”
“I don’t know. It’s some rubber thing that looks like a drain stopper.”
“Shit. A drain stopper? Damn, I don’t know if I want to hear this!”
“She hands me this diaphragm and asks me to put it inside her. I freaked. Didn’t want to touch the damn thing. I’m sure it wasn’t new. This drain stopper has seen plenty of plumbing action. It’d be like us re-using a condom.”
“I can’t picture this. This is crazy shit! I’ve never heard of this thing. I’m gonna
look this up. Crap, no reception out here.”
“Drain stopper. Picture that.”
“So, what did you do? You just got up and left?”
“I tried to get it up there and Rachel kept laughing, telling me this was part of the experience. The experience? After about an hour of that damn thing flopping upside down, going everywhere but where it belonged, my boner so damn lost and forgotten, she congratulates me, and says we’re good to go.”
“Fuck! This is the best sex story ever. You actually did it?”
“After all that work, seemed rather pointless to just give up.”
“Was the sex good?”
“Don’t ask.“
“Come on, Randy, you’ve told me this much. Enlighten me. I may come across a drain stopper one day. I need to be prepared.”
“Prepare yourself for this: It’s a bitch pulling it out also.”
“This is too fucking funny! She wanted you to take it out! Oh man, this story gets better and better!”
“And when I finally got it out, all that filling emptied out on my leg. And she sat there in bed laughing her ass off, just like you.”"
“She’s twisted! I like her even more now!”
“Twisted and sweet. What luck.”
“Drain stopper sex. Man, that beats it all.”
Diane Payne is the author of Burning Tulips (Red Hen Press) and has been published in hundreds of literary journals, most recent publications include: Watershed Review, Tishman Review, Whiskey Island, Kudzu House Quarterly and Cheat River Review. She is the MFA Director at University of Arkansas-Monticello.
