A Scotsman and a Singaporean Speak
“What’s a Scotsman doing studying Chinese literature?”
“Ooh, Ah want to travel in China after graduation.”
“Yeah, but your Chinese is good enough already.”
“Aye, Ah noo. Ah figure after graduation Ah’ll teach English while Ah’m in China. After a few years, if Ah feel like going buck to good ol’ Scotland, Ah’ll go buck thare and teach Chinese to the Scottish. Tha’s tha plan anyway. What aboot yoo? What are yoo going to do after graduation?”
“Me? I’ll be an accountant.”
“Isn’t tha’ a bit… weell, boring?”
“Everyone’s different-lah.”
“Ah suppose. Hey, hav’ ye’ seen my Chinese blog? What d’ye’ think of it?”
“You have a Chinese blog?”
“Aye, Ah need to practice typin’ in Chinese.”
“You can type in Chinese?”
“Weell, Ah’m not very fast ye’ noo. Do yoo want the link to my blog?”
“Ok-lah. Send it to me and I’ll take a look.”
“Hey, hav’ ye’ read The Romuns of the Three Kingdoms?”
“What?”
“Ye’ noo, San Guo.”
“I played the computer game when I was a kid.”
“Aye, but hav’ ye’ read it?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Why not? It’s a Chinese classic.”
“Eh, please-lah, Angus. You think my Chinese very good, is it? Your Chinese is way better than mine.”
“Anyway, Ah find San Guo verra fascinating.”
“Good for you. You know-lah, I’m such a banana. I don’t read Chinese books one.”
“What d’ ye’ mean…Banana?”
“You know, banana?”
“Um, it’s a froot?”
“No-lah. I mean metaphorically, I’m a banana. I have yellow skin on the outside, but I’m white on the inside. It means I’m Chinese on the outside, but inside I’m white like you.”
“Weell, bananas aren’t reelly white on the inside ye’ noo. They’re still a kind of pale yellow.”
“Ah, small technicality.”
“What does tha’ make me? Ah’m a reverse banana. Ah’m white on the ootside, yellow on the inside.”
“You’re an egg, that’s what you are. A hardboiled egg. They are white on the outside, yellow on the inside.”
“But seriously, ye’ noo, Ah don’t feel Scottish at all. The longer Ah’m away from Scotland, the less Scottish Ah feel. Ah don’t feel like Ah hav’ anythin’ in common with my Scottish countrymen.”
“What, you mean, all that haggis eating, bagpipe playing, kilt-wearing, like William Wallace?”
“Haha, verra funny. Ah meant more the whiskey drinkin’, fish ‘n’ chip eatin’, soccer mad average Scotsman.”
“Do you believe in reincarnation?”
“Huh? Wha’s tha’ got to do with anything? Is that like if ye’ mistreat dogs in this lifetime, ye’ coom buck in the next life as a dog?”
“Yah, sort of. But have you ever thought that maybe you were Chinese in a past life?”
“Um… no, Ah haven’, but that’s a verra attractive idea. Mebbe that explains why Ah feel so Chinese inside. Aye, Ah reelly like that. Ah’m a Chinese man stuck in a Scottish man’s body.”
Chang Shih Yen is a writer from Malaysia. Shih Yen graduated with a first class honours degree in English and Linguistics and with a MA in Linguistics from the University of Otago in New Zealand.
