Another Theory of Relativity
“Bert here’s the smartest dog ever.”
“Sez you.”
“That’s why I named him after Einstein.”
“How’d you get Bert outta that?”
“Bert as in Al-BERT without the Al, dummy! You ever heard of a dog name Al?”
“Can’t say as I ever have. But all that aside, what makes you think he’s so smart?”
“I was hopin’ you’d ask. He knows all about that physics stuff.”
“An’ just how d’you come to figure that out?”
“As you can well see, Bert is a keen hunter and a vigilant watch dog. My wife’s deadbeat brothers are always comin’ over here lookin’ for me to fix somethin’ for ‘em or they wanna borry a tool that they ain’t got no intention of ever bringin’ back.”
“Your wife and mine must be related.”
“Now pay attention and you’ll learn somethin’. Heaven knows you need all the help you can get. Ol’ Bert there can sense one of them comin’ a mile away and when that happens, he commences to howlin’ like you never heard. That gives me time enough to skedaddle before they gets here.”
“I’ll have to admit that’s right handy, but what’s that got to do with anything?”
“Ain’t you been payin’ attention to what I’ve been tellin’ you? Einstein come up with the theory of relativity which says your relatives will gravitate to your house at the speed of light when they want something for nuthin’. Bert knows that and tips me off so’s I can make a quick getaway.”
“Does it also work on Jehovah's Witnesses?”
Paul Stansbury, a retired city manager, lives in Danville, Kentucky. He frequently reads his work for the public, has published poetry in Kentucky Monthly, and written for the Advocate Messenger. Most recently, two of his short stories were included in a horror anthology, Brief Grislys, published by the Apocryphile Press.
