Black Comedy
“Hello and welcome to Lithium Media. My name’s Soki and I will be your call advisor for today. How can I help you?”
“Hi. I’ve just moved in, and I’d like to set up a new broadband internet package for my house.”
“Can I have your name and address?”
“It’s Rob Caning, 125 Friars Street, Bath.”
“Please can you confirm your account password?”
“It’s ‘the hangover’ but all one word.”
“Interesting choice, sir. May I ask, have you chosen this word because it is a state you find yourself in often? Do you spend many mornings ill and shuddering in bed after nights of drunken revelry, or are you perhaps referring to the film?”
“Um, yeah, the film. It’s a favourite of mine-”
“That’s nice. I personally dislike comedies, I find them lacking in many ways. They seem frivolous, really. Black comedies, however, are very different. They access a darker part of human nature, the part of our subconscious that we cannot admit to, so we cover up with humour instead.”
“…”
“Do you want to know my favourite film? It’s American Psycho.”
“I see. I’d like to get back to the internet packages now-”
“Have you ever watched yourself in the mirror having sex, Mr. Caning?”
“Excuse me??”
“Sorry, I think you misheard me. Would you like the all-inclusive package for £28.99 a
month? It’s our best deal at the moment.”
“Y-yes that’s fine.”
“Is your wife at home? Your children?”
“No, she’s away on business…why’s that important?”
“Well, have you discussed it with her? How do you make decisions without consulting your wife first?”
“I think this is very unprofessional and intrusive of you. I am perfectly capable of making these decisions myself-”
“I’m sorry for any offense caused, sir, but this is standard policy. Please calm yourself and try to think rationally.”
“I am!”
“I feel that you are letting your emotions get in the way of our negotiation. If I cannot talk to your wife at present, then you must pay a deposit upfront to confirm your order.”
“…fine. Okay. Whatever.”
“Thank you for cooperating. I see you are agitated now, pacing around your study in angry little circles. Is this a habit of yours?”
“Wait, how do you know-”
“Where did you get this number, Mr. Caning?”
Annmarie McQueen is a recent graduate of Warwick University in the U.K, where she studied English and creative writing. An aspiring author/poet and previous winner of the Simon Powell poetry prize, she has been published in magazines including ‘Words with Jam’, ‘Reach poetry' and 'Buried letter press.' She can generally be found scribbling furiously in a cafe somewhere, hidden behind her camera lens or learning a new song on the ukulele.
